ah, life

so, I recently re-read a couple of emails that I (stupidly) kept in my inbox. one was saying that I was not chosen to be a Fulbright scholar in Italy, and the other said that I was not chosen to receive a scholarship to travel to Italy for one month and learn Italian language.

again, it has me wondering. am I not meant to travel, even though I feel like it's what I want to do more than anything? again, it has me wondering whether education, while I do love it, was the right path for me. I've loved writing and photography since I was in high school. I had dreams of being a photojournalist. somehow, I abandoned that when other people told me they thought I would be a good teacher, so I went for it. I just feel stupid that I let other peoples' opinions on what I would be good at change the direction of my entire life, without stopping to take my own feelings into consideration.

it's not only that it's hard to travel as a teacher, but I feel old. it sounds stupid, but it's true. as a writing or photo major, I would have graduated 2 years ago, and who knows where I'd be now? I'm turning 25 this year, and I haven't accomplished nearly what I thought I would have by the time I was 25. I think for the past few years, I've been too caught up in living in the moment, and I literally took no time to realistically assess what I wanted to do with my life in the long-term. not once did I ever ask myself if this is what I really want to do. not once had anyone else asked me. I know I can be successful and I now that I will enjoy teaching, but there's always that but...

again, I don't want it to sound like I don't want to be a teacher anymore. I love special education. I love my students, and teaching them is challenging and fulfilling. I just want to do more. I'm struggling with inner peace, and I'm waging a war against myself.

by Wednesday, I should hopefully have a clearer idea. I just know that I can't turn back time.